It is amazing to me how quickly God can turn me around from fear to trust and excitement.
For a year and a half, ever since my son William was born emergency cesarean, I was hospitalized for a week with infection and then the painful and long healing process for myself, I have been afraid of getting pregnant again.
I battled with the desire for birth control though we hadn't used it in the past and my husband's faith was sure that God would provide when and if the time was right. I prayed that the Lord would close my womb. I prayed for other women to get pregnant but not me. I prayed and prayed that I would not get pregnant.
Fear gripped me every time my period was late. And it was late every month, skipping October entirely. But I wasn't pregnant. And each month I got less and less paranoid about it. Some trust crept in. Then I just figured that I would never get pregnant again.
And honestly for awhile that was okay with me. I saw my sister's first baby be born and he was adorable but I didn't desire another, one of my friends had a baby and she is so sweet but all I saw when I looked at her was all the time that babies take when they are first born...and forever I imagine.
It wasn't until last week. Tuesday to be exact that I had a breakthrough. A friend of mine just found out that she was pregnant. I was very excited for her and when I told my husband he was happy but also sad that we weren't pregnant yet. I didn't know that he felt that way. We had talked about having at least one more but I was pretty sure that wasn't going to happen. I was writing/praying to God and realized that all this time what I was really afraid of was dying.
I really thought that William and I would not make it when I was trying to deliver him. And he only had a 1% chance of survival. But God was faithful to deliver us both.
And He brought me to the end of my false sense of control when I realized that He alone holds my days and there is nothing that I can do to lengthen them or shorten them. They are written in His book and I am held in His hand. So after realizing that the real fear was not getting to see my kids grow up and having another woman help my husband raise them without me...the tears flow even now thinking about it...
My heart finally melted. I was no longer the girl who didn't want to have anymore kids. I was just Dinah a woman who loves kids but was scared. And in that honesty I could come to my Abba and rest. And He could work in my heart. At that moment my mind and my heart changed.
I wanted a baby. Mitch and I started talking about baby names and bigger cars, etc. And one week to the day later...I found out I was pregnant! I was so excited. And days before I would have been petrified.
God is so good and his timing is perfect. So glad that he is gracious enough to let me have a year an a half to slowly learn to trust Him again.
