Finding Peace

There have been many ups and downs in the last 61 days here at the hospital. Sunday night I had another down. I had been praying for peace for a few days. Feeling silly that I had less than 2 weeks left and was finding it so hard to have joy. I asked and asked God to give me peace but it did not come. That night watching my kids drive away was more than I could handle. The tears came and I let them come. I may be closer to the end but that doesn't diminish the trail that I have been going though. Thankfully Mitch got to stay with me that night since his parents were in town taking care of the kids. We had a lot of fun together but my mood was still fluctuating. That night we had just gone to bed and I couldn't sleep. I laid there for 2o minutes or so but sleep alluded me. I prayed for rest, for peace, for hope... finally I got up to go to the bathroom and started to cry again. I was tired not sleepy just tired. Tired of being here without my family, tired of this hospital room, tired of my circumstance. Mitch woke up and prayed with me and had good words of encouragement as well. After reading for awhile and praying some more I finally fell asleep.
I woke the next day with joy. I was so thankful for it because it had been days since I had felt real joy, joy of the Lord. We had a great day that day. Our friends the Phaups came to visit on their way out of town (we love them so much and seeing them even for a short time was very uplifting), Mitch's parents got to spend some more time with us before they left to go back to Texas (we had such a great time with them over Labor Day weekend and were so blessed to have them here. The kids love them so much and we were all sad to see them go. But still grateful that they got to come at all. We miss them very much), and my parents came for the week (I am glad that they are here and that my mom is staying till after Wyatt is born. It is nice to know that we will have the help we need to get back to life as "usual" after all of this. Whatever the usual will look like with three kids. But at least we will be home and be together!!! Amen to that!)
When spending time with the Lord this morning I was finishing a devotional that Mitch's Nanie sent me and it was on Peace. Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep the mind that is dependent on You in perfect peace, for it is trusting in You."
My peace was not an instant peace, not the peace that I wanted days ago. My peace came with daily, sometimes hourly supplication to the Lord. I wanted it to come quickly...have I learned nothing from my waiting here at the hospital? But God in his mercy made me wait. And in the waiting came a deeper dependence on Him for the peace that I so desired. I could not make it come. I did not have the strength. But He did. And how much sweeter was the answer for having had to wait for it.
Most of my lessons take time to learn...Thankful that He is willing to take the time to help me learn to trust him for the outcome and not myself. His power is made perfect in my weakness.